-This was the start of my journal

Today is Monday June 16th. Today marks one week since we have heard the words, “I’m so sorry, there’s no heartbeat”. The type of words where your mind blurs. You leave your body for a minute and say to yourself there’s no way this is happening. You want to ask to check again you’re also terrified for them too. I’ve always heard of out of body experiences, you leave your body and when you come back you’re never the same.

It all started on June 9th, the day before my birthday. My husband kept asking what I wanted for my birthday. While I knew If he took me shopping I would just end up picking out things for our kids something so I thought it through, and what seemed like an amazing opportunity to get to all be together and bond with our bundle of joy. I choose to get an ultrasound done to see our baby girl at a local ultrasound boutique. I wanted our boys to bond and I wanted to see how much she had grown. So I made my appointment for 5:15. It felt like the perfect day. We arrive and I check in so excited as this had been something I’ve ever done in my previous pregnancies. I was so excited to get to be there and get to experience it. But that day, that day changes our lives forever.

I’ve had a lot of emotions about how we found out. NO one wants to hear this news…. Ever. But it felt extra cruel… to go to place where it’s suppose to be full of joy and happiness. Where you’re  suppose to leave with extra ultrasound photos… not ones where they are checking for health of your baby but fun ones. We enter the room I lay down and I tell her we recently found out it’s a girl and how excited we were. She turned off the light and as excitement begin to arise I couldn’t hardly wait for the our boys to see her move around…. Then came the silence not the kind of silence like there’s just no noise in the room. It’s a silence that I haven’t ever heard. A gut wrenching silence that becomes so loud when our ultrasound tech spoke your ears ring. My only focus was to get out of the chair and to make it to the car. I don’t remember much of what happened when I got out of chair I just remember telling my husband “we have to get the kids in the car”. On our way to the appointment the sky was blue, heading home it was pouring down rain and i believe it was a visual representation of exactly how we felt. How God felt, he was weeping for us. He as weeping WITH us. I’m not sure how we did it, or how we made it home I don’t remember much about that night or the days following. It can be really hard to make sense of anything I experienced on June 9th a day we won’t ever forget, a day that changed everything about us. But looking back all I see is how God carried me. He carried us. Through the deafening silence in that room all the way home. He was with us, he always has been.

June 16/17th

Today is a hard day, Bodhi is sick and it’s been a really hard slap of reality. That life continues on even when you’re hurting and grieving. 

June 18th

Today’s prayer, Lord I pray that this pain we face won’t go without purpose. That your plan for our precious daughter’s  life will be fulfilled through you. We trust that every tear drop we cry has purpose through you. We’re grateful for the love and faithfulness you have shown us these last 9 days. Please stay near us all of our days ahead. In Jesus name we pray, Amen.

June 19th 

Today I wake up with heavy grief in my heart. Missing our Ruth extra. Grief is unpredictable there are times when you feel like you are ok. Well ok as you can possibly be. Then there’s day like today where you want to lay in bed and cry. Something I have learned is both are ok, both are holy. No matter if we feel ok or feel like never getting out of bed God won’t leave us. He meets us in our grief and he meets us in our good days too. To hold on tight to the truth and the hope of Jesus. To our beautiful girl in heaven we miss you beyond anything i will ever be able to describe. We love you so much. Please always remind me. That you’re here and that heaven is not too far away.