We are all no strangers to death, to be born is to die. Death is all around us. From hospital beds to wars across the world, death has a way of finding us all. Something we will experience-one day. After our loss I read a book that said” Ive never felt closer to death than when it occurred inside of me” it took my feelings and put them into words. 

Throughout many appointments following the news that our daughters heart was no longer beating, they told me that this was common, and although it’s unfortunately true. Absolutely, nothing I went through felt common. I know many Drs meant it out of great kindness with the words that followed being “this isn’t your fault”. 

Nothing about this felt like anyone could possibly understand the pain that followed that appointment. I remember coming home and laying in bed feeling like I was just full of death, I didn’t want to move, I didn’t want to breath. I laid in bed for 3 excruciating days as I carried my daughter who was no longer alive, growing, moving. I felt her weight inside of me and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever walked through. So while Dr say this is common- there is really nothing common about the pain I felt laying in bed. Knowing,waiting,and praying that I’ll make it through this.Those things I might not ever forget, and in some ways I’m thankful for those 3 days, though she was safe with God in heaven. Her earthly body remained snuggled in mine as we prepared what was to come.

Through the many days and weeks that followed those appointments and hospitalization. Our gracious God gently reminded me that death doesn’t get the final say, that there’s life given even in that bed that felt like a gravesite, in that darkroom that holds so many dark memories, in that hospital bed where life felt like it had ended. God was there, weeping with us but also giving us breath to keep living. Even in our darkest night and the hours full of sorrow to always, always remember that Sunday is coming..