If Im being honest I really have no words to express the pain my heart holds as we are exactly 2 weeks out from what would have been my scheduled cesarean. When we found out her due date i picked out her Christmas outfit, It was pink with candy canes and had ruffles I was so excited to dress her up. Instead i hold a pink box with her name on that holds her items. I have an empty womb and an extremely aching heart. We won’t get to wear matching Christmas pajamas with her. As you can imagine this isn’t how I imagined our Christmas was going to be. As I learn to navigate the holidays without Ruth, I long to be whole again when she was with us. Her big brother ask about her often, will she ever come back to us? goodness how I want that. Instead I have tell him no, she won’t come back baby but one day we will go to her. What a beautiful day that will be. 

As i prepare for a  holiday season without my baby girl while being present for my boys, I’m realizing how hard it is to live out letting joy and grief sit at the same table. I feel incredibly grateful that God chose me to be her mom to love and take care of her nearly 4 months. That I got to buy sweet pink clothes even for a short amount of time. That she will always be my third baby, and that we will always be a family of 5 because of her. We talk about her randomly and the boys point out her name anytime we see or hear it. God has used her in beautiful ways, we like to say that she was always such an angel. With all of the good things that God has used her life for and I pray that God will continue to use her to change lives. Our hearts ache, we can feel the missing piece. That will always be the reality of loosing a baby and it pains me to think about. 

Loosing Ruth is still a process that I have to work through daily. She is my first thought most mornings and she never has left my mind. I never want her too. I grieve the holidays without her what could have been, we will always miss her here with us. If you find yourself in a similar situation I pray you know you’re not alone. As we buy presents and envision what we would have bought them, or the love the family would show to the newest additions. I pray you allow yourself to grieve what was lost, our babies who meant everything to us. As we enter foreign lands of gathering around family without them and getting asked what we are grateful for I pray that your aching heart knows that even though our babies aren’t here with us like we want so desperately. Your heart can still remain grateful. Grateful because our babies are being held by the one who also holds our breaking hearts. That’s the greatest gift we will ever receive. This holiday season behind the chaos, noise and distractions I pray you keep your eyes fixated on our Lord and Savior. The one who knows pain greater than we can imagine. I pray as we look at the warm lights on the tree with tears streaming down our faces, crying out how unfair this all feels that we remember suffering is an invitation to a Holy place. May we seek the promise of our savior and know the deep truths we so easily forget that the pain we feel earth side, can’t compare to the joy we will feel in the Kingdom with our babies. Praising God that he sent the only gift we will ever need, a savior who was born on a cold Christmas night in a place you would least expect a king to be born. Giving us hope that this can be used for His glory and your good.