October is pregnancy loss awareness month. 1 in 4 women experience a miscarriage. The word miscarriage is so much more than a word or statistic. It’s a loss of a child and it’s nothing less than that. I am 1 in 4 and it’s undoubtedly the heaviest thing I’ve had to navigate. The pain we are left with after loosing a baby is an unbearable weight we carry. The wound is invisible. The suffering is silent. Our cry’s are loud but feel quiet, our pain is carried with us like backpacks. We are told time heals, that with time it gets lighter. It’s been four and a half months since we lost Ruth and nothing about it feels light. Time actually makes it heavier. All i can imagine is how we would be preparing for her arrival, and when i think about time even more all I see is milestones she will never meet. I will never throw her a birthday party, I will never get to take her wedding dress shopping, I’ll never get to buy her a babydoll. I will never get to hold her late at night while standing in front of a lit Christmas tree soothing her cries, and i will never get to hear her footsteps as she runs down the stairs along with her brothers on Christmas morning. That’s my reality, that’s the reality of so many mother’s lives and it truly breaks my heart. 

We go to appointments with heavy hearts and empty wombs. We smile at pregnant women as we walk the halls that we have walked while pregnant and suddenly we’re not anymore. We enter rooms that feel all too familiar. We lay down on ultrasounds beds where we once discovered life was thriving and in the same place we discovered death. We are left with words that never leave your mind, images of your lifeless baby and a heart wound that never heals. 

As we navigate life without our babies, holidays where we envisioned them being here, and family photos with our babies always missing. I hope you always leave an extra seat at the table, i hope you always speak their name, and i hope you remember them in big or small ways. May we never loose sight of the miracle new life is. No matter how many days, weeks or months that we carried our babies that you rest in the arms of Jesus because He’s holding you and He’s holding your baby, too. While our arms feel empty here earth side i pray you find great comfort knowing our babies are in Heaven, in the most perfect place. Where there is no pain and no sorrow, they only know the warmth of your womb and the comfort of Jesus’s arms. I wish no one had to live with the pain i live with daily, to meet many others who share this pain. I want to hug and weep with every mom who tells me their story of their baby they lost. As i know the pain and hurt all too well, i think what hits me the most when they tell me is no matter how much time has passed the long for their baby is still there. Their pain is still alive. 

Last year i was standing in line at the store and my sons were running around in circles. An elderly lady, in front of me turned around and said how she has 3 sons and when they were young she would leave them at home with her husband on Saturday’s to go shopping because her boys couldn’t stand it. She made some comments about how cute my boys were and how them running in circles reminded her of her boys. She said i had always wanted a daughter to go shopping with and she paused, and what she said next, still hasn’t left me I don’t think it ever will. She said well i do have a daughter she’s in heaven. My fourth pregnancy was a girl but we ended up loosing her before birth. She went on to say she never carried again but God has given her 7 granddaughters. I remember walking to the car telling my husband about a complete stranger who told me a story that broke my heart but her strength and faith amazed me. I think about her often, matter of fact she was one of the first people i thought about after losing our Ruth. At the time I heard the pain in her voice but now I understand the pain in her heart. I wish I could hug her and meet her again. 50+ years has probably passed and she still talks about her daughter in such a beautiful way. That encourages me and I hope it does the same to you, too. Mama, tell your babies story, do something to honor their short life, light a candle on October 15th for the wave of light. Don’t be afraid to remember them, joy and grief can dance together. 

My prayer for you is that you remember these things. Jesus isn’t just with you in October. He’s with you through the day to day pain we face, through the months that pass of heartbreak, through the special dates that could have held so much joy, through the memories that won’t be made, through the waters that feel too high to cross. His heart hurts, with yours. Lean on Him. He can handle every why we cry out to Him. I pray you lay it all at His feet because He knows mama, He knows.