On March 10th I went in for an anatomy scan. Each appointment we met with genetic specialists and other doctors that worked together for our care. I’ll never forget locking eyes with my husband in those meetings and all I could think was they must not know the God we serve. How able our God is to heal our girl, they must just not know. Thinking about how able our God is was something that I clung to. I would sing “more than able” to her in the kitchen as I cooked dinner for my family. I wanted her to know she was held in the hands of our Savior who truly is more than able. 

I laid on the table knowing what this day could bring. My high risk doctor told me the chance of her making it past 20 weeks was not likely. The day of my anatomy scan we received the dreaded news her heart stopped beating. our sweet girl was in the arms of Jesus and with her big sister in Heaven. I got sent home to pack a hospital bag and prepare to give birth to our daughter. How do you choose what to bring with you, knowing it’s all you’re going to have left of your baby when you come back home. A sweet friend hand made us a blanket to wrap her in and we spent that night with friends who celebrated her life and held us afloat through the darkest nights of our lives. The next day we headed to the hospital to get induced and deliver our sweet girl. I’ll never forget the heaviness my legs felt walking to the hospital registration room.

Our daughter Naomi was born on March 11th at 7:55 pm already in the arms of Jesus. A tiny lavender hand knit blanket wrapped around her. We studied her perfectly formed hands and felt so blessed to be hers. Carrying, birthing and holding her was my greatest honor as her mom. There’s no words to describe the sorrow and peace I felt that night. My delivery team commented on how perfect she looked when she was born, before my doctor left for the night she said to us “never forget she is fearfully and wonderfully made” She truly was and is. Not a cell out of place my sweet Naomi. 

After she was born our nurse told us to take all the time we needed but how do you ever decide it’s time? We met and let go of our daughter the same day. How can you watch death show signs on your baby’s body? How can I hand her over to the nurses? The endless fears and questions that ran through our minds were met with peace. We sang worship songs and told her repeatedly how much we love her. We rocked and held her, not alive in our arms but fully alive in Heaven. My nurse held my hand throughout labor and as I wept in her arms she told me this is the hardest thing a mother ever has to do, and it was. Handing her over went against every motherly instinct I have. Apart of me left with the nurse that night. Oh Naomi girl, how I long for Heaven.