Finding out our daughter had trisomy 18 after just loosing a baby girl 6 months prior crushed my husband and I in ways I’ll never be able to explain. The doctor told us to prepare to loose Naomi sometime through my pregnancy, or at birth. We began to try and process her diagnoses but in the same breath to be prepared to loose her. There’s no amount of preparation a parent could do to I would say arguably our pain was worse trying to prepare ourselves over months of time my heart broke more each day knowing I was losing her. The day after we got home from the hospital we had to go to the funeral home to set up arrangements. I’ll never forget the shock and wave of grief I felt as we pulled into the parking lot. For me that was the moment the reality of it all set in that she was gone and that the sun still was shining, it didn’t seem possible. As my husband parked our car I remember wailing and saying “ I don’t want to do this over and over please I can’t do this”. He held my hand and as I dragged one foot in front of me i was quickly reminded just how unprepared I was to walk into a place that was made for the lifeless.

When we visited with the coordinator he asked us if we would like to have a viewing and hold her one last time. Without hesitation I cried yes and counted down the minutes until i could go back and hold my baby. I walked in a visitation room and saw my daughter lying in a baby sized casket wrapped in a blanket with a bow, and an angel charm for me to take home. My husband and I spent time holding and memorizing her. Telling myself to never forget what it feels like to hold her and to memorize her perfectly formed hands and feet. As I laid her down I prayed I’d never forget this moment of being with her one last time. After we had left the funeral home and picked out an urn it was time to wait until we got the call that we could go pick up her ashes I remember panicking when it hit 48 hours after her visitation. After the 48 hour mark it had been the longest I had gone without holding her, and I was prettified. How will I make it a lifetime more? I still struggle with that thought, I believe I always will. Everything a loss mom does goes against what we’re created to do. To love, hold, and nurture our babies.

The nights when we got home from the funeral home were the darkest nights I had ever lived. My milk was coming and my baby was physically separated from me. I had to leave my daughter in a building that no baby or child should ever have to go. The horror of her being in a morgue will forever haunt me I would stay up all night hysterically crying begging to hold her to give her a blanket or just be next to her. It’s been nearly 3 months since loosing Naomi and the moments of utter panic still exist some nights, but it is in those times I remind myself of the truths. She never went cold, she never has been alone, and all she ever knew was extraordinary love. This I know to be true, so until we get to see Jesus face to face we praise Him for the hands that hold our girls now and His gentle mercies. There will be a day where the wait is no more and when that is I’ll never have to let her go… I’ll never have to let them go.

our God is so, so good.